Label or Who you are?

In my 550 class this week we are talking about the DSM book. This book helps clinicians and psychiatrists give people diagnoses for mental health disorders. About 12 years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar I as I have said before here on this blog.

In my life, I have made a lot of choices that were not right for me, my family, or my relationships with others. I hurt a lot of people. I hurt my children, and I hurt myself. At times, my emotions were totally uncontrollable, my ability to curb my impulses was non-existent and my aggression was raging before and during treatment. I have been managing my Bipolar with therapy and drugs that have stabilized me for a year and a half now. But, I am not out of the woods yet. Perhaps I will never be.

Today, my husband told me how satisfied he was with our life. He said that being with me made him happy and our life together was the best thing he has ever experienced. I was totally flattered. But then came the conversation about our life together. It has been over 14 years. Raising 3 teenagers in our home and all the trials of living with a bipolar person. There were the times I cheated on him, the thousands of dollars that I spent on stuff that didn't really matter for no reasons, the decisions I made without him, the yelling and spite we waded through, and the love we shared throughout it all.

Without him, I never would have made it this far. He has been my rock. The person that held me while I cried for no reason, that restrained me from the physical fights I wanted to induce, and forgave me for making it hard to get through to another payday. He says I was worth it.

I didn't realize how much self reflection I would have in this MSW program. I know I don't have to allow people in to my life as much as I am doing, or tell them how I feel about things that I have personal knowledge of. But, I know that I will not grow without it. One of my cohort said "thank you for sharing yourself" and I took that to heart. As hard as this program is, I expect to grow and become connected to the people that I am going through it with.

Side note: I've been around social workers for more than seven years and I never understood why they identified with people in their cohorts before. I think I am learning why now. Thank you to Angie, Kendra and Marcia for helping me through this on a daily basis. Thank you to everyone else in the class for making this learning experience so satisfying, even if we are all exhausted.