What do I really want????

It has been a major heavy two days. I've been in deep Native American cultural training at work. Eight hours each day listening about the Native culture, effects of Boarding Schools, effects on education systems, effects of trauma. Alcohol and drug abuse of Indigenous People that causes child abuse and neglect.

Yesterday I came home from my training worn out and exhausted. I read homework from Dr. Yellow Bird's 541 class for a few hours and went to bed. Earlier that day, in the restroom a current social worker was talking to me about school and said, after working here for so many years and watching them being worked to death, how can I want to be a social worker. I just laughed it off and said, I really want to help people and left it at that. Last night, I laid in bed thinking, is this really what I want to do? This is so hard. Working with the Indigenous populations will take me far outside my comfort zone because there is no current relationship building going on. I will be far behind my co-workers and will have to build that trust myself. I'm not good at relationship building. I don't talk well with people the first time we meet, I can't initiate hard conversations right at first. Maybe I won't be good at this. I was having tremendous self doubts. Having this training reiterate and reinforce everything we are learning in 541 is hard to hear. It is no longer theory. It is practice.

Today was not better. The training (Day 2 of 3) had a wonderfully powerful visit to the Morris Graves Museum here in Eureka. There is a beautiful display of Indigenous art by local artists. There is a ceremonial canoe, beautiful, handcrafted woodpeckers, paintings, ceramics, baskets, drawings, ceremonial dresses and jewelery. The power that came from the exhibit is the fact that it was given freely, not some artifacts "found" by colonizers. This was information about the artists, power that they had put into their art that was buzzing around the museum because it was meant to be shared, not stolen. Then, later in the day there was a panel of people that had been involved with child welfare. A former foster youth, a parent with children that had been reunified, and a foster parent. We heard each of their views on what was wrong with the system, what should be changed, and one thing that was good. Hearing the stories in a true life experience was heart wrenching and had me in tears a couple of times. In my gut I know that the system has to be changed and I will have no power to do this.  We had a talk circle at the end and I was unquestionably moved by the souls and vulnerability that took place in the circle. People were free to feel and speak how they felt. There were many tears and some even thankfulness.

During the circle, I talked about my story from yesterday and my indecision about really becoming a social worker. I did express that I was thankful for all the social workers in the room and that they were all my mentors. I will need them all desperately in the coming years.