Another Day Closer

Well, we are going on our second ever real vacation in less than 10 days. I really can't wait. There are places to go and pools to dip my feet in. I can't wait for the 24 hour buffet and the free drinks (even watered down). Just my hubby and I. There is even an adult pool so I don't have to hear the screaming kiddos and splashing water. I'm not into the scenery, just laying on the beach or at the pool. 7 whole nights, maybe some action from the mosquitoes. Maybe some lizards. I want to do nothing. My best friend just got back from a month long pilgrimage to Tibet. Not my kind of vacation. I don't want to worry about anything other than when it is time to leave. 

And the stress continues.....

Today was a day I'll never forget. I found a lump in my breast. I freaked out. Just what I need in life, another stressor to add to my growing list. By 8:15 (the time the doctor's office opened) I was calling in to make an appointment. I had told my husband, but no one else. They made me an appointment for 2:15 today.

On my break I told one of my best friends what had happened and she calmed me down a bit. It could be one of a million things. Not the dreaded C word. I have a friend who is my age in the middle of chemotherapy for breast cancer right now and even though she is amazing and strong, I don't know how my life would change with something so ... well... life changing. Could I finish school? Would I have to be off work? What would happen to our finances? All these thoughts rolled around my head. I was crazy with worry.

Well, 2:15 rolled around. I went into my appointment scared, worried, and over anxious. She didn't even take my blood pressure because she knew it would be through the roof. As she talked to me before the exam, she reminded me that it could be several different things and cancer did not have to be one of them. She asked about my caffeine intake and I reminded her that I started smoking again. She sighed and said that both can cause fibroid cysts in the breast. Then on to the breast exam. She felt the lump and said it really didn't feel like it was cancerous but wants me to have a mammogram and ultrasound anyway, just to ease my nerves. I'm scared. It could still be cancer and I'm not all that healthy. She made sure to tell me that if I don't get a diagnoisis at the exam, to call her the next day and she would give it to me. She said there is no sense in being scared out of your mind if it just a cyst.

I'm sure its nothing. Nothing major anyhow. I'm just being a hypochondriac. But that is one of my worst fears being so out of control of what happens to me. Now, I just have to make it through until they get it scheduled. I will be fine. I know I will. Now, I have a headache because there has been so much stress today. Kendra is right, I need a massage.

Blew Me Away

Over Spring Break, I traveled to the nation's capital to visit my son. One day of sight seeing in DC was enough for me. We saw the good sites, Washington Memorial, Capital Building, Vietnam Memorial, and of course the Lincoln Memorial. I didn't even take pictures at the Lincoln Memorial because of my earlier trip to the Native American Smithsonian.

I went tot he Native American Smithsonian in hopes of expanding my learning and increasing my knowledge of Tribes in our country. So much for history. There was a little bit on the French-Indian War, a small amount on each Tribe represented, a LONG wall of firearms used to slay Natives during the wars and conflicts, and one sentence about Boarding Schools.

As much as I have learned in my Intro to Native American Studies and the 541 class we are in now, I never thought the nation would "cover up" the fact that they tore Native youth and children out of their homes and put them in schools far away from their homes and traumatized them. Working in child welfare, I see the trauma of children that social workers deal with on a daily basis. The trauma of children being ripped from their homes in the name of safety. I believe social workers do their best every single day and make the best choices they can for everyone involved, but it does cause trauma.

I was appalled that the US Smithsonian Institute glossed over this very real and important part of the Native American history. The Boarding School era was one that caused enormous rifts in families, parenting styles, alcoholism, drug abuse and many times in death for the Native Peoples.

Don't get me wrong, I was happy to see the Native exhibits, each Tribe/Nation shown had separate space, even the Hupa Tribe had an exhibit. The regalia and baskets and jewelry were beautiful. At the end of the exhibit way back in a corner, was a photograph of a white man. Underneath the photo, it said that most of the artifacts belonged to this white man until his death in the 50's. How sad. Why weren't these pieces of priceless treasure returned to their rightful owners or at least to the Tribe in which they came? I think many of the Tribes presented would have donated pieces to their exhibits.

By the time I left the museum, I was angry. Angry at the nation that covers up the history and trauma of our citizens. How can we grow as a nation if we cover up the past? How can we expect the healing of the Native Peoples if we cannot accept what we have done to them in the past and present? If the trauma cannot be erased, it has to go somewhere and people are sick and dying because of the past assaults upon their people.

Sometimes I can't stand being a part of a country that cannot take responsibility for their own actions. But, I love the freedoms I have as an American. I just wish everyone in the country was as free and had the same rights as everyone else. Whether you are Native American, white, gay, straight, lesbian, black, Jewish, Christian, immigrant (legal or not), and/or anything else you do or don't label your self as, rights should be the same across the board.

I know I'm preaching to the choir, but I think I was traumatized by our government's inability to take responsibility for the past. What we are in the past, creates our own futures....

Spring Break

Tomorrow is my last day in California for a week (almost). I'm super excited. My husband and I are leaving our almost 18 year old in charge of the dogs and going to visit our oldest son. He is 21 and lives in Fort Washington, Maryland. I've been to DC once before on a work trip and it was beautiful. I can't wait to go to the Smithsonian ( a few of them). My one request is to visit the Native American Smithsonian. I was so enchanted by a local art exhibit that we visited for training a couple weeks ago on local Native American culture I want to see more from other Tribes. At one time, I hear, they used to have an exhibit there from one of our local Tribes too. Then, I can also pretend I'm still in school. (Well maybe not!)

I know so many of us need this break to decompress and some (me included) need to do some catch up. I plan on taking my studies with me to take up time between when everyone else goes to bed and I do because of the time difference.

Back to my son. I haven't seen him in a little over three years. He texted me a couple of days ago and asked if I would cook while I was there. I was so excited. It means everything to me to know he missed me and my cooking. I can't wait.

Spring break, here we come!!

Label or Who you are?

In my 550 class this week we are talking about the DSM book. This book helps clinicians and psychiatrists give people diagnoses for mental health disorders. About 12 years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar I as I have said before here on this blog.

In my life, I have made a lot of choices that were not right for me, my family, or my relationships with others. I hurt a lot of people. I hurt my children, and I hurt myself. At times, my emotions were totally uncontrollable, my ability to curb my impulses was non-existent and my aggression was raging before and during treatment. I have been managing my Bipolar with therapy and drugs that have stabilized me for a year and a half now. But, I am not out of the woods yet. Perhaps I will never be.

Today, my husband told me how satisfied he was with our life. He said that being with me made him happy and our life together was the best thing he has ever experienced. I was totally flattered. But then came the conversation about our life together. It has been over 14 years. Raising 3 teenagers in our home and all the trials of living with a bipolar person. There were the times I cheated on him, the thousands of dollars that I spent on stuff that didn't really matter for no reasons, the decisions I made without him, the yelling and spite we waded through, and the love we shared throughout it all.

Without him, I never would have made it this far. He has been my rock. The person that held me while I cried for no reason, that restrained me from the physical fights I wanted to induce, and forgave me for making it hard to get through to another payday. He says I was worth it.

I didn't realize how much self reflection I would have in this MSW program. I know I don't have to allow people in to my life as much as I am doing, or tell them how I feel about things that I have personal knowledge of. But, I know that I will not grow without it. One of my cohort said "thank you for sharing yourself" and I took that to heart. As hard as this program is, I expect to grow and become connected to the people that I am going through it with.

Side note: I've been around social workers for more than seven years and I never understood why they identified with people in their cohorts before. I think I am learning why now. Thank you to Angie, Kendra and Marcia for helping me through this on a daily basis. Thank you to everyone else in the class for making this learning experience so satisfying, even if we are all exhausted.

What do I really want????

It has been a major heavy two days. I've been in deep Native American cultural training at work. Eight hours each day listening about the Native culture, effects of Boarding Schools, effects on education systems, effects of trauma. Alcohol and drug abuse of Indigenous People that causes child abuse and neglect.

Yesterday I came home from my training worn out and exhausted. I read homework from Dr. Yellow Bird's 541 class for a few hours and went to bed. Earlier that day, in the restroom a current social worker was talking to me about school and said, after working here for so many years and watching them being worked to death, how can I want to be a social worker. I just laughed it off and said, I really want to help people and left it at that. Last night, I laid in bed thinking, is this really what I want to do? This is so hard. Working with the Indigenous populations will take me far outside my comfort zone because there is no current relationship building going on. I will be far behind my co-workers and will have to build that trust myself. I'm not good at relationship building. I don't talk well with people the first time we meet, I can't initiate hard conversations right at first. Maybe I won't be good at this. I was having tremendous self doubts. Having this training reiterate and reinforce everything we are learning in 541 is hard to hear. It is no longer theory. It is practice.

Today was not better. The training (Day 2 of 3) had a wonderfully powerful visit to the Morris Graves Museum here in Eureka. There is a beautiful display of Indigenous art by local artists. There is a ceremonial canoe, beautiful, handcrafted woodpeckers, paintings, ceramics, baskets, drawings, ceremonial dresses and jewelery. The power that came from the exhibit is the fact that it was given freely, not some artifacts "found" by colonizers. This was information about the artists, power that they had put into their art that was buzzing around the museum because it was meant to be shared, not stolen. Then, later in the day there was a panel of people that had been involved with child welfare. A former foster youth, a parent with children that had been reunified, and a foster parent. We heard each of their views on what was wrong with the system, what should be changed, and one thing that was good. Hearing the stories in a true life experience was heart wrenching and had me in tears a couple of times. In my gut I know that the system has to be changed and I will have no power to do this.  We had a talk circle at the end and I was unquestionably moved by the souls and vulnerability that took place in the circle. People were free to feel and speak how they felt. There were many tears and some even thankfulness.

During the circle, I talked about my story from yesterday and my indecision about really becoming a social worker. I did express that I was thankful for all the social workers in the room and that they were all my mentors. I will need them all desperately in the coming years.

Sexuality

It is interesting how much of this life is based on our sexuality and how oppressive it is if we are not heterosexual. If you are not in a heterosexual relationship, you can't get married in most states. (thank God this is changing, slowly but surely.) If you are a gay man, and want to be in a homosexual relationship, you have to chose if public displays of affection are right for you. You may be extra uncomfortable kissing your partner in public because of the stares, or the public retaliation or the threat of violence.

I saw a moving video that had me in tears today (lately it seems I'm always in tears for any commercial that shows a cat or anything.) This video was staged in Texas. It was of a lesbian couple with two children and a waitress in a restaurant. All were actors. The waitress acted as if the lesbian couple was repugnant and that the children were being raised fatherless and was all around making a spectacle of herself. This was to see if any of the bystanders would stick up for the family. Many did. I was surprised at the volume and pointedness that some of the people had when confronting the waitress for her despicable behavior. It gave me hope in the human race.

We each are equal. Young, old, African American, Indigenous, white, gay, lesbian, bisexual, brown, pale, Hispanic, smart, dumb, disabled, mentally ill, healthy, straight, or whatever you are... we are EQUAL. We each deserve to love and marry whomever we please.

Talk to me if you want to marry your cat. I may have reservations about that.