Over doing it?

OK, I know that I like to write about just whatever strikes my fancy and I always liked to journal. But I think this is kind of fun. (my classmates will role their eyes.) This is really freewriting and is a tool for use in writing topics and papers.

When I write papers for school I have never, before my last paper, done any kind of outline and I usually edit little. I have always freewrote, then added what I needed, moved stuff around and made it flow. Freewriting has always been my favorite way of writing. But, I LOVE this blogging. I can talk about whatever I want and people can choose to read it or not. So far, some of my family has read my blog and seem like they like it. My husband loves that I'm blogging since I have always loved to write.

It seems very high school to engage in this practice. I remember writing all those notes to my friends, in long hand, and passing them in class. I don't know how I made it through school writing so many notes. When my second husband went away to boot camp before we were married, I wrote him letters every day. Anything that came into my head. I wrote about how much I thought of him and missed him. I wrote of what I ate for lunch that day. Pages and pages and pages of writing. Then when we married, I stopped writing him. I could talk to him, he was there after all. I rarely kept a journal and wrote less and less as the years went by.

Then when my current husband and I started falling in love, I wrote him constantly. Told him things like my hopes and fears, dreams and worries, and told him about my sordid past. I was honest with someone for the first time in my life (except you, Less!) Writing is an art form. Sometimes I do it, sometimes I slack off. As I have said before, I want to write a memoir about what it is like to grow up with bipolar disorder. I want people to know that it is like any other kind of disease. Like I was diabetic, and made the choice to take my insulin or not. Sometimes it was just a life choice, sometimes I was compelled. Maybe someday.

Honestly, this is pretty freeing. Here, very few people actually know who I am and have any sway with my life. I can say what I want and be as honest as I can be without many repercussions. People may look at me differently, but if they did not see me clear in the first place, did they really know me?
Will they judge me? Most definitely.
Do I care? Not really.

I want to stop feeling oppressed. Being from a minority (disabled), I feel oppressed every day. Every time I hear someone say that someone having a bad day "must be bipolar", I feel oppressed. It is hurtful and  makes me want to hide in the closet. Maybe I'm not good enough to be where I am in life. Maybe I'm not smart enough. Maybe I'll lose it again. Maybe I don't really know what I'm doing at my job, or at life.
But I'll learn, or I'll fake it until I make it.